Nobody understands me, nobody!
I sure don't.
Why don't you tell me your problem, honey bun? Maybe I can help you.
Dear, it's no offense, but you know what always happens when you try to fix something.
Now see here, son, I resent the implication that I'm some kind of a dope or something.
Daddy, oh please, son, will you not interrupt when your father's trying to talk?
Okay, I just wanted to tell you that your elbows in the butter is all.
Honey bun, if it's so important for you to go to the dance tonight, what about your old dad?
I used to cut a mean fox shot in my day.
You, Daddy-o?
Why, certainly! I'll show you.
Now I remember where I left my other skate.
Now I remember where I left my other skate.
Joy!
No damage done.
Hold it, just hold it.
No, no, no, no! You call that a lap?
Well, what do you want, Mr. Shaken?
Give me a lap!
Try an MH-8.
A Mad Hall 8?
They're making a 9!
All right, now give me some highs.
I love to hear women laugh.
You sure do, Mr. Shapien, honey.
Please, Mr. Prey, a little more business like during business hours, okay?
Some highs, yeah, and a little more volume.
Look, Mr. Shapien, I hate to argue with the producer, but how do you know it's that funny?
Because I think it's that funny.
Now look, who do I make television company for?
A common man.
Right, and who is more common than me?
Nobody.
Right, I risk my case.
Good.
Okay, run it back now, I'll try it again.
Now I remember where I left my other skate.
Oh, my God!
No damage, sir.
We're getting close, I think.
We still love you.
You're the best daddy in the whole world.
Sure you are, Daddy-o.
I don't care what anybody says.
Now, give me a big smile.
Marvelous!
Marvelous!
The best one we've made all year.
Aren't you happy, Ben?
Sure wish I was dead.
Well, my name is Ben Cousins.
My real name, that is.
On television, I'm known as Daddy-o.
This is my hobby.
Used to be my business building.
Not dog houses, people houses.
But today, for reasons that are still not quite clear to me, I'm a television actor.
A very reluctant television actor.
Why reluctant?
Why shouldn't a guy be happy with money, fame and glory?
Well, it's a little hard to explain.
Particularly when people won't listen.
Albert, look.
Wait a minute, Daddy-o.
Wait a minute, Daddy-o. Mr. Dupre, make a note.
That TV film's got to be in New York by Friday.
And don't forget to...
L-E-W...
Capital W-O-R-K.
Very good, Mr. Dupre. Very good.
Albert, I've been trying to talk to you for weeks now.
It's a great, great show.
This thing. Three more and we finish the first year.
Then a nice little vacation.
We start another year.
And what a year that's going to be, huh, Benny boy?
Possibly, but not with me.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
I'm quitting.
What a country we live in.
You know, just one year ago I discovered this fella.
He was a common laborer working on my house.
I was a master carpenter.
Naked to the waist.
Carrying a two-by-four on his shoulder.
I was carrying blueprints, fully clothed, and I'm quitting the show.
There he was. Muscular.
Sunburned. Outdoorsy.
And I said to myself, Albert, baby, there.
There's your Daddy-o.
The rest is history.
Mr. Shapien, honey, only in America could this happen.
You bet.
Only in this blessed land of opportunity that I love better than I love life itself.
Did I ever tell you how I came to this country?
A ragged immigrant kid, ten years old, with holes in my shoes.
Now, Mr. Shapien, honey.
You've told me, Albert.
Boy, have you told me.
Now, will you stop waving the flag and just listen?
You not in the USA?
I love the USA and I'm quitting the show.
Tomorrow.
We'll talk it over tomorrow, OK?
Tomorrow? Any time. I'll talk any time.
But I've made up my mind.
It's a little gag, huh, Ben? Kind of a rib, yeah?
No, Albert, no.
Sure, it's a little joke. That's all. It's very funny, kid.
So? Why aren't you laughing?
Who's not laughing?
This has been going on for weeks.
Every time I tell Albert I want to quit, he recites the Declaration of Independence.
Well, OK. After all, Albert is my boss.
And from a boss you expect trouble.
But from your own wife?
What are you, Ben? Some kind of a nut?
Well, now, why do I have to be a nut to quit that show?
Because it's a darling show and you're very good in it and all the people love it.
All except this people.
Why? What's wrong with it?
What's wrong is me. I'm no actor.
You're a marvelous actor.
Oh, Polly.
Polly!
Polly, this is Ben. Remember your old husband?
Last year I was a carpenter.
Rock Hudson was a truck driver.
Oh, Polly.
Marlon Brando was a short order.
Oh, come on.
Audrey Hepburn was also a short order.
Oh, that's silly, Polly.
And Patrin Hepburn.
Oh, Polly, that doesn't make sense.
Now, you're acting worse than Albert Champion.
When are you going to start singing the Star Spangled Banner?
I'm sorry, love. You were saying?
You forgot?
You're no actor?
Yeah, that's it.
So, how about the fan mail?
Thousands of letters each week.
How about all the people who stop you on the street and tell you how great you are?
But that's not the point.
Inside I'm no actor. It's embarrassing.
I have no feeling of accomplishment.
Some guy puts makeup on my face.
Some guy tells me where to stand.
Some guy tells me what to say.
Some guy tells me where to stop.
I'm a puppet, not a man.
Well, that's what acting is.
Which is why I've got to get out.
Oh, look, darling.
When I was a carpenter, I was doing something.
I was achieving something.
I could start with an empty lot and a pile of lumber.
And when I was through, it was something you could see.
A yard, a house, a family.
It's a wonderful feeling, Polly.
And I'd like to get it back.
And I'd like to get it back.
All right, sweetheart.
If that's what you really want, I'm with you.
I love you, darling.
So plug in the vacuum, sweeper.
Bye.
Polly.
I know you're going to miss all the extra money
and the other things that went with it.
Now, hold on.
Just hold on, Master Carpenter.
Now, what's the matter?
Just a minute.
Just a dime a minute.
Let me refresh your memory.
What was my life like before you became an actor?
Oh, well, you go back to that.
I kept house, showed with the kids,
worked at the hospital, teenage canteen,
League of Women Voters, and the Red Cross.
But now that I'm the glamorous wife of a glamorous actor,
what do I do?
Keep house, show with the kids, work at the hospital,
the teenage canteen, League of Women Voters,
and the Red Cross.
Yeah.
So don't you worry about Polly.
Whatever you decide, I'm still going to be a cook,
a chauffeur, and a beast of burden.
I love you, Polly.
Likewise, I'm sure.
I'm certainly glad you approved of my quitting the show.
Well, let's put it this way, Ben.
I think you're some kind of a nut.
OK.
So Polly is a mature, grown woman.
Her mind is set, like concrete is set.
But with my kids, their minds are young, plastic, pliable.
Oh, Charlie.
Hello.
Yeah, Polly.
I want to talk to you boys about something very serious.
I didn't do it.
Do what?
Charlie did.
Charlie did what?
What have you teed off about?
You rat thing.
I'm not teed off about anything.
I've just come to a decision about my television show,
and I...
Well, here, sit down.
Now, this decision involves you both,
so I think you've got a right to know.
Now, boys, there comes a time when each man's life...
Hey, Paul, could you kind of speed it up?
We've got to get to the beach.
Hey, here they come.
Hi, Fran.
Hi, Charlie.
Here, let me help you.
Thank you, Charlie.
Oh, it's OK.
Hi, Noah.
Who sent for you?
Oh, what makes you so mean?
If I'm so mean, how can you keep chasing me?
How do I know?
I'm a woman in love.
Morning, R.D., Fran.
Morning, Mr. Cousins.
Boys and I were having a little discussion.
Your show was wonderful last night.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I mean it was wonderful.
Oh, you're too kind.
The boys and I were at...
We never missed your show at my house.
I mean, the whole family clips for it.
Even my brother Eric, and he's only six months old.
Yeah, well, I think I got a fan letter from him last week.
You know what I like about your show?
It's so actual.
I mean it so true to life.
True to life?
You mean dumb old daddy-o, always in the soup?
You find that true to life?
Oh, sure.
I mean, take my father.
Yeah, fine.
That's very good.
But you see, the fellas and I had a little conversation going on.
Okay, Mr. Cousins, we're all in the family.
Who's all in what family?
You're not in my family, you coo.
Don't be so dumb.
You know, your life, you never had a friend like me.
And what's more, pretty soon I'm going to fill out
and be a beautiful woman with a gorgeous figure.
And you can just sit and eat your heart out
because you had your chance and you blew it.
Archie's right, Noah.
You could have emotional security if you wanted to.
Just like Charlie and me got.
Haven't we, Charlie?
We sure do, friend dear.
I think I'm going to be sick.
What can we do about your language?
Well, Pascua is all the time.
Well, recently got into television.
Well, is everybody ready for the beach?
Yeah.
Hold it, Molly.
Hold it just a moment if you don't mind.
I've been trying to explain my decisions about my television show to the boys
and I can't get the word in anyway.
Oh, Molly, we've got to get to the beach.
Freddie and them will be waiting.
Yeah, and I've got to pick up my fins.
They close at noon on Wednesday.
And I told Dickie to take him to Harry's.
His Margaret had her garbage license taken away again.
Now, just a minute.
This happens to be our mother, not a taxi company.
And how about all those bicycles in the garage?
Come on, Ma, gee whiz.
Now, just a minute, your father's got something to say
and you're going to listen.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much, Molly.
And don't interrupt your father.
Now, look, boys, it's a simple little thing.
Oh, Ben.
Darling, I'm so sorry.
I forgot to tell you, you can't have the car today.
I'm going to be a gray lady this afternoon.
Maybe sooner.
I miss you, babe, smart asshole.
You know, I look at the old lady's word every Wednesday.
Which reminds me, would you do something very sweet for me, Ben?
No, sweetheart, darling, no.
Then move on to the Bahamas.
Just love your show wife.
It's the biggest night of the week for them.
Well, at their age, what else have they got?
Oh, you'd better show up in and say hello for a few minutes.
They'd be so thrilled.
Polly, look, I'm going to be busy with Albert Shapien for one thing
and another thing, I won't have a car.
Oh, that's all arranged.
I'll get you up.
And here comes Albert now.
Darling, you look like the old lady's word this afternoon.
Hello, Albert.
Oh, it's sweet of you to show up for Ben today.
For you, Polly, anything, because that does not mince words.
I love you.
And who would not?
No, no, no, no, no, none of that.
She kissing may be all right for you cool, composed Anglo-Saxon types,
but not me, baby.
Me, I come from the sultry Mediterranean.
Raging passion, hot blood, raw emotion.
We don't know from polite kissing.
You want to give me a kiss, give me a kiss.
Ben, a simple handshake will do for me.
Charlie, my boy, come on, come on.
Good, good.
There's the mad beast.
There's the butcher.
Never mind the charm, Albert.
What did you bring me?
French postcards.
Yeah?
Of Mount Rushmore.
Holy cow.
Thanks a lot.
Forget it, kid.
Albert, you shouldn't have.
Boy, that must have cost a fortune.
I got an uncle who finds things that fall off trucks.
I see your picture in the paper all the time with prominent stars, Mr. Shapien.
It says you're the most eligible bachelor in Hollywood.
Oh, I don't know.
I just haven't found the right girl, that's all.
But you sure keep looking, don't you, Albert?
Oh, just you kid.
Ben, you wanted to tell the children something?
For hours.
I'll go and get the car.
Oh, darling, don't forget the hospital.
All right, kids.
You might as well listen to this too, Albert.
I've come to an important decision about my television show.
And since I feel that you're all vitally concerned, I feel you've got a right to know.
Now, boys, there comes a time in every man's life when destiny...
Hey, Pa, use shorter words, will you?
We're kind of in a hurry.
We're all in a hurry.
Girls, please, will you just let us alone so we can discuss this?
Thank you.
Mr. Shapien, you're the one who discovered Mr. Carpenter, aren't you?
It's a clever decision.
Each man...
Just one year ago, he was a common laborer working on...
Master Carpenter.
And I saw him one day naked to the waist, carrying a two-by-four on his shoulders.
Fully clothed, carrying blueprints.
There he was.
I said to myself, Albert, baby, there.
There is your daddy-o.
The rest is history.
Gee, only in America could this happen.
Exactly, lady, only in this golden land of opportunity that gathers to its bountiful bosom the poor,
the outcast, the downtrodden of this world, and gives them a chance to walk with dignity and courage into a bright tomorrow.
Albert, you thought any about realistic?
Plenty of times.
If it wasn't for this trick, me and my ideas...
OK, OK, now find a period, will you?
And let me discuss this with my boys.
Now, boys, it's only a simple decision.
That's not me.
Now, let's go.
Couldn't get through to them, huh, Benny boy?
No, but I'm going to get through to you.
Goodbye, Ben.
Bye, Albert.
See you later at the hospital.
Now, Albert, we've got a half an hour's ride to the studio.
Now, why don't you get in the car?
I'm going to talk.
You're going to hear me.
Well, you may talk, Benny boy, but I ain't going to hear you.
Yeah?
Why not?
Good morning, Mr. Free.
Good morning, Mr. Shapien, honey.
Any messages?
Well, there were a few, but I forgot.
You'll try to do better next time, though, won't you?
There's a good girl.
Hi.
Grand person.
You know, she's sending her kid brother through medical school.
Maybe he can help her when he gets out.
Her mind is funny.
Oh, very well for you to look down your nose.
After all, you found your girl.
And what a girl, that sweet poly lord lover.
But me, I haven't got your luck.
My search goes on and on and on and on.
Well, enough of the gloom. Come on.
I'll play you a little gin rum.
Oh, no.
Whoa, whoa.
No gin rumming, no claviash, no old maid, no pixie to pennies,
no singing of cant songs.
This time you're not going to worm out.
We talk.
Sure, pal, sure.
All right.
Now, this Miss Dupre, does she not answer this intercom?
It's not likely, but you might try.
Miss Dupre?
Yes, Mr. Shapien, honey.
Well, this happens to be Mr. Cousins, honey.
But Mr. Shapien, honey, and I are going to be in conference.
We're very busy and we don't want to be disturbed.
Unless it's important.
Listen, Albert, I want you to light.
I think we're going to talk.
You've been ducking me for weeks.
Of course I have.
I want you to listen to insanity.
You're going to quit daddy-o and go back to building houses.
Insanity.
Now, I want you to listen very carefully.
I don't want to act.
I don't know how to act.
What do you want me to be anyway?
The town is full of actors.
The town is full of actors with caps on their teeth
and toupees on their head and noses they were never born with.
I want an actor. I want a real guy like you.
Look at that face.
People see a face like that on a TV screen.
They've got to love you.
They've got to believe you.
Look at yourself.
You wouldn't hurt a fly.
You're clean.
You're wholesome.
You're pure.
You're harmless.
You're predigested.
Thanks very much.
Anybody who sees you feels safe and warm.
What if you had a face like mine?
Heaven forbid.
When I walk down the street, mothers lock up their daughters.
But you.
Look at that kiss and you see 20 generations of nice,
decent, ethical Anglo-Saxon people
who married each other.
Yes, it's a quite old custom in my family.
Here's a contract for next year.
Just sign it and bless the day I first saw you walking around half naked.
Oh, Alfred, you'll begin to believe that stuff yourself.
Listen to me.
I was a master carpenter with a suit.
As a matter of fact, I own two suits.
Now let you and I talk about America, huh?
America?
Yeah.
It's your favorite topic, isn't it?
You bet your sweet life.
I've had a long romance with this beautiful country.
Did I tell you I came over here when I was an immigrant?
You're ten years old?
Hold your knife to your...
Yes, Albert, listen to me.
I love America too.
That's why I'm quitting, Daddy-O.
Come again?
What is America?
It's families.
It's homes.
Well, Albert, I used to help make some of those homes.
I was doing my little part to help my country become a little bigger,
a little better.
Now what do I make?
I make silly shadows on the screen.
What is this?
Chopped liver?
Look at these awards.
PTA, Legion, TV Academy, National Education Society,
Children's Foundation, all for Daddy-O.
And why?
Why?
Because we are America, pal.
We're an American show for American people.
And I...
Yes?
Mr. Shapien, honey.
Miss Scott Mann is here.
Please, in the office, can we make it just Mr. Shapien, no honey, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Send him in.
Who?
Miss Scott Mann, Mr. Clay.
Hi, Mr. Shapien, Mr. Collins.
Hi, Paddy.
Paddy, could you make it quick?
I'm a little busy.
Absolutely.
Where was I?
I think you were fighting the Battle of Bunker Hill.
Don't laugh, boy.
If George Washington was alive today, he'd be our biggest fan.
And Jefferson, and Lincoln.
How do we stand with James K. Polk?
Now, in next week's show, we're going to Daddy-O's painting the house.
He's going to climb up the ladder.
He's capping overalls.
Now, he's going to get up about this far.
And the ladder's going to start to fall.
Right?
Right.
Now he comes down.
And I put his clothes on.
And I go up the ladder.
Keep my face away from the camera so they think it's Daddy-O.
And I get up this far, and then I...
Gee, it's a shame George Washington had to miss that.
Now...
Daddy-O's coming down the stairs.
Okay? Okay.
Jefferson would love that.
Let's see the part where Daddy-O is sawing off the limb.
Now...
Daddy-O's up here sawing.
It's a little wiggly, but...
He gets up there and he's sawing this limb.
All right?
Great, Daddy. Great. Thanks.
Just like you said, Albert.
Man falls off of a ladder, down a flight of stairs, out of a tree, all in one afternoon.
Work to be more American.
So we exaggerate a little bit for comedy.
Well, back to the infirmary.
Okay, I'm going to end the argument. I'm quitting the show and that's that.
Now, come on. We've got to meet Polly at the hospital and cheer up the old lady's ward.
Goodbye, Mr. Cunningham.
Mr. Prater, we're going over to St. Albans Hospital.
Oh, I hope you're better real soon.
And this, then, is Mrs. Richards.
How are you, Mrs. Richards?
Oh, how do you do?
I'm so glad to see you.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr. Cunningham, I watch you all the time.
Thank you.
On the television?
Yes.
God bless you.
And you.
And this, dear, is Mrs. Wakefield.
How are you, Mrs. Wakefield?
Oh, this is a great pleasure for me, young man.
Thank you, ma'am.
Do you know how much your program means to me?
I'm very glad you enjoy it.
Oh, but you didn't answer my question, Mr. Cousins.
Do you know how much your program means to me?
Well, no, I don't.
It's given me back a family.
Your family on television is now my family.
All my children are grown.
They come to see me, of course, but they're not mine anymore.
Not really.
I'm sure they love you very much, Mrs. Wakefield.
I hope they do.
I know I love them.
But we're no longer what I call a family.
Do you have children of your own?
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, they're close.
Very close.
They're gone all too soon.
Mr. Cousins, your program has given me back what I thought I'd lost forever.
People of one blood, living under one roof, sharing one dream.
A family.
I am very proud, Mrs. Wakefield.
Oh, yes, sometimes your program gets a little frivolous.
A little broad.
That doesn't matter.
There's love in that family and they belong to each other and to me, too.
Mrs. Wakefield, I had no idea that people could be so touched by a little comedy.
Oh, but they are.
Mr. Cousins, I hope you go on making many, many more films about Daddy-O
and giving a family to many, many more lonely people, old people and young people.
Old people don't have a monopoly on loneliness.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Oh, Albert, that contract for next year, have you got it?
Ben, you don't mean that you...
Have you got it?
Yes, right here.
Okay, now give me a pen before I change my mind.
Yes, sir.
Ben, believe me, you're doing the right thing.
Not for the money, not for me, but for yourself.
Polly, do you think I'm doing the right thing?
Yes.
Oh, yes, Daddy-O.
Oh, yes.
Okay, Amanda.
Well, Albert, how did I do?
I'll give it to you in one word, brilliant.
That was the best performance I ever saw you give.
And that specifically includes London, New York and Paris.
I was rather good, wasn't I?
Good, you were wonderful.
Give me that part about a family again.
You know, a family is people of one blood.
A family is people of one blood, living under one roof, sharing one dream.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
You had them snowed completely, the both of them.
Did you get a look at Polly, cousin?
She was crying like a baby.
Do you mean that Mrs. Cousin wasn't in on this scheme?
Of course not.
You think she'd have anything to do with a low-down rotten trick like...
Like you would?
What's the difference? It worked, didn't it?
He signed the contract and believe me, Amanda, he'll thank me later.
If he never finds out.
Bully for you.
Here's your hundred dollars as per agreement.
Whose agreement? You black-hearted pirate, you said two hundred dollars.
It was worth it.
Best acting I ever saw.
Oh, good I wasn't acting.
I was telling that young man the truth.
You mean you dig, Daddy-o?
I wouldn't miss it for the world, it's a marvelous show.
It's warm and sweet and good.
Give me an outside line, please.
Who is it?
Who is it?
Oh, I'm Dr. Mayo, one of the Mayo brothers.
Hello.
Hello, Mr. Prey.
Oh, hello, Mr. Shapien.
Mr. Prey, what time is it?
The big hand is on the one and the little hand is on the six, Mr. Shapien.
Oh, good, it's after six o'clock.
And call me Mr. Shapien Honey.